Advice columns have endured for generations because the questions that keep us up at night — about relationships, family, faith, work and everyday dilemmas — are rarely ours alone. Sometimes a thoughtful outside perspective can help us see a situation more clearly and remind us that we are not the only ones trying to find our way.
The Weston Chronicle is pleased to introduce “Dear Abigail,” a new advice column offering compassionate, practical guidance for life’s difficult — and sometimes delicate — questions.
Email your question to news@thewestonchronicle.com with “Dear Abigail” in the subject line, or mail it to Dear Abigail, c/o The Weston Chronicle, PO Box 6 Weston, MO 64098. Your identity will be kept confidential, and questions may be edited for length and clarity.
Dear Abigail,
I have spent much of my life being the person others can count on. I take pride in being capable, dependable and willing to step up when something needs to be done. But I am entering a new chapter filled with opportunities and responsibilities I genuinely care about, and I am realizing I cannot do everything myself.
How do I ask for help, set healthy limits and let go of some responsibilities without feeling as though I am letting others down?
— Still Learning to Let Go
Dear Still Learning,
“As though I am letting others down” is a common fear, especially for capable people like yourself. You know parts of the remedy already. First, you are learning what your limits are.
Second, you can control what you communicate about your limits. However, you cannot control the feelings others may have about your limits, or the way you communicate them. Therefore, let their feelings be one of the responsibilities you release from your custody. Trust that having integrity requires disappointing people sometimes.
However, perhaps there is more beneath the surface. In a therapist’s office, you might find a tool called a Feelings Wheel, which is a diagram naming a variety of human emotions. “As though I am letting others down” is not on the Feelings Wheel. Instead, you might see: disappointment–sadness about not meeting expectations; betrayal–anger about broken trust; or even shame–the despair or fear that you are, deep down, an insufficient person. Which one(s) would you point to?
Once feelings are identified, they might begin to trouble you less. As you learn to trust others asmuch as you trust yourself, the dreadful feeling will begin to subside.
In good faith, Abigail
